I’ve struggled with sleep most of my life. My sleeping patterns have always (for as long as I can remember) been erratic.

Some nights I can fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and stay asleep all night long. These are the good nights. The nights where nothing, including my own brain, interrupts my sleep.

Then there are the nights where my brain won’t shut off no matter what I do. These are the high anxiety nights. The nights where my brain is replaying every conversation in detail I’ve had for the last couple of days and twisting and turning over every nuance. These are the nights where I stress over the fact that I’m not sleeping which just puts me in a heightened state of anxiety.

Then there are the nights were I sleep hard and deep but my brain, ever the wonderful playground, decides to relive past trauma. Those nights are actually the worst. Sometimes I’m able to direct the dreams and sometimes I’m just strapped down to a chair watching the worst movie in the world unable to move. These are the mornings where I wake feeling as if I’ve been physically beaten. My mind is fuzzy and my my limbs feel heavy and uncoordinated.

This last one, was how I slept last night. It was hard and unpleasant. There was no directing the dreams and no way out, no way until the banging began.

Yesterday was the first day on the road after a short break in Tulsa to see my girls; my sisters from another mister. I love these women and the love I receive from them is an amazing and precious gift.

We had a great time. Copious amounts of alcohol was consumed, new glasses ordered and shopping was successfully completed for a dress and shoes for an upcoming party. I also took care of a legal matter that has been looming over my head. Most importantly, I was also able to restock on my favorite on the road snacky-snack.

Lets see how long 4lbs lasts me. 🙂

I also got to indulge in some doggy love with Charlie and Lucy.

I love being off the road but I really love the feeling of coming to a place that’s warm and inviting and filled with love.

The first day of driving after a break is always the hardest. It’s getting used to constantly being in motion. It’s the physical stress of hooking and unhooking trailers (which can be made more difficult by rain and cold as it was this day). It’s getting used to cars cutting you off in traffic and you having to think quick and fast to avoid running into them. It’s the entire job and everything that goes with it. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. My career affords me a certain comfort and financial security I’ve never had. It allows me to repay the people who’ve supported me throughout the years. It has given me the freedom to say yes when invited on vacations and to plan and execute travel of my own. This career has allowed me to be more me and that’s the biggest reason why I love what I do, but it can still be stressful.

After leaving Tulsa I headed to Russellville, AR to pick up a new trailer. After a quick washout and refueling of the trailer, I was dispatched to Springdale, AR to pick up my current load. This load is taking me to Southern California and the time to run it is pretty tight. Not like I haven’t done that before.

I set off for California and giggled as I drove through Tulsa on my way to Oklahoma City. I waved in the general direction of my girls and pushed on. Once in Oklahoma City, I refueled and tried to get a parking spot. Late at night it’s not an easy thing so I pushed on knowing there was a weigh station close by. When I finally stopped last night I had 34 minutes left on my clock and after sitting for a bit to wind down, I crawled into bed to have what I hopped would be restful sleep.

It wasn’t.

It was not pretty.

It was painful.

It was rudely interrupted by banging on my window less than 8 hours later.

The banging continued as I struggled to wake up. There were angry muttering and shouts of “Driver get the F up and leave.”

I was confused. I was having trouble understanding what was going on. I tried to move but I struggled to get my limbs to cooperate.

The banging continued, now with a bullhorn.

“Driver get the F up and get out or you will be ticked and arrested.”

My mind fuzzy and disoriented reeled trying to understand what was going on.

I was able to get into my seat and get my shoes on. As I opened my curtain I see this state trooper in a rage. He says, through his bull horn, “Step out of the vehicle.” As I look at him with confusion all I can see are the veins in his head pulsating and I know I’m in a potentially dangerous situation. I open my door and climb down as he starts screaming at me.

Side note, I don’t do well with men screaming at me. I especially don’t do well when they scream at me when I’m feeling tender and disorientated. I am instantly on alert and poised and braced for a physical assault.

As he reads me the riot act, complete with insults, I’m able to pull myself together into a modicum of composure. When he pauses to take a break I simply say “Sir, may I look at my phone for a moment?” and proceed without his approval. I open my truck app and see that I’ve completed at least an 8 hour break but that means I only have 34 minutes of driving time to find a safe haven to completed the other 2 hours of rest I need for a full clock.

As he steps forward into my personal space and starts screaming, and I do mean screaming at me, I plaster my face with my best smile look him straight in the eyes and state, “I’m truly sorry officer. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t allowed to park at this weigh station. There were no signs stating no over night parking, nor were there signs stating that breaks were no allowed on these premises. I will happily move my truck. Don’t you fret none. I’ll be on the road in a jiffy. May I do my pretrip inspection before I leave?”

The officer looks me up and down and says “No, get the fuck out of here you piece of trash.”

Ignoring the insult I tilt my head, straighten my shoulders, stand a little taller, and say “Of course and you have a great day.”

Once back in my truck I start the engine as the officer walks away. As I prepare to roll out, my stomach clenches and a wave of nausea overtakes me. I briefly opened my door to retch, reached for my mouthwash to swish and spit, and rolled out.

It was all a combination of the after effects of my dream, coupled with being screamed at for no reason, and the fact that I had to suppress every instinct to go on the attack which set me over the edge. Now, almost two hours later, I’m still shaking and so extremely angry and frustrated.

There was no reason for anyone, let alone an officer of the law, to talk to or treat anyone like that. I understand he has a job to do but so do I. I understand he has laws to uphold, but um…so do I. I don’t know what in his life; I don’t know his story. I only know mine. Unfortunately is it men and women like him who make the average person not respect law enforcement.

Do me a favor my lovelies. Be extra kind to one another today. Kiss your loved ones just because. Tell your best girl or guy that they matter. Respectfully compliment a stranger. Pass a little love and light on to someone who needs it. Embrace joy today and send a bit my way.